Breaking Free From Toxic Positivity: An Honest Look at Fawning and Resilience
This post is written by Ingrid Clayton, psychologist and author of Believing Me and Recovering Spirituality. To learn more, you can check out her website and subscribe to her newsletter here.
Toxic positivity is everywhere. It hides behind phrases like “Good vibes only,” or “Just let it go,” and in the guise of well-meaning advice like “Forgiveness is for you.” For those of us with a chronic fawn response, these messages can feel both magnetic and suffocating. They offer the promise of peace while silencing the very discomforts we need to process in order to heal.
At its core, fawning is about prioritizing others to maintain relational safety. It’s an instinct born out of trauma—one that tells us to smooth over conflict, merge with others' perspectives, and avoid rocking the boat. When toxic positivity enters the picture, it amplifies the urge to fawn, pushing us to bypass our own feelings and reach for artificial harmony.
But here’s the truth: without making space for our anger, discomfort, or pain, we cannot access our authentic selves. And without that authenticity, we stay stuck—disconnected from our needs, our boundaries, and our truth.
The Myth of Resilience as a Cure-All
Much like toxic positivity, resilience is often misrepresented as a force we should inherently possess. We hear it in platitudes like, “You’re so strong—you’ve been through so much,” or, “You’ll bounce back; you always do.” While resilience can indeed be a strength, when it’s wielded as a mandate or an expectation, it becomes yet another tool of dismissal.
For fawners, the narrative of resilience often reinforces a damaging cycle. It says: Keep giving. Keep surviving. Keep pushing through. But true resilience doesn’t mean ignoring our pain or soldiering on at any cost. It means creating the space to feel, process, and integrate what we’ve experienced—something fawners are often conditioned to avoid.
Reclaiming Resilience: Feeling, Not Fawning
To truly embody resilience, we must challenge the instinct to fawn in the face of toxic positivity. Here are some steps to begin:
Name the Discomfort: When confronted with toxic positivity, pause to identify how it makes you feel. Are you feeling dismissed, unseen, or pressured to bypass your emotions? Naming these feelings is the first step toward reclaiming your voice.
Redefine Resilience: Resilience is not about endless giving or enduring without help. It’s about honoring your limits and showing up for yourself as much as you do for others.
Practice Authentic Forgiveness: Forgiveness is not a finish line to sprint toward. It’s a process that begins with acknowledging the hurt and allowing yourself the time to heal. Forgiving too soon—or because you feel you "should"—only deepens the disconnection from yourself.
Challenge the "Good Vibes Only" Mindset: Anger, sadness, and frustration are not enemies to be avoided. They are signals that something within you needs attention. By giving these emotions space, you strengthen your ability to advocate for your needs.
Moving Toward Wholeness
What might it feel like to sit with your pain, not as a problem to solve but as a truth to witness? How might your world shift if resilience wasn’t a demand placed upon you but a kindness you extended to yourself? If forgiveness didn’t arrive today—or tomorrow—could you still find a way to be whole?
And when the weight of it feels too much to carry, what could be your outlet—in a world that often gives us no room to feel at all?
As we navigate a world steeped in toxic positivity, let’s remember: resilience is an active process. It’s not a shield we put up to deflect pain or a badge of honor we wear to prove our strength.
Ingrid Clayton, PhD, specializes in the intersection of spirituality, addiction, and trauma. Her memoir, Believing Me, reveals a psychologist’s awakening to her own traumatic past and her book, Recovering Spirituality, explores spiritual bypass and its impact on recovery.
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